the top.

My phone rings and I see his number.  I answer only to hear his groggy voice on the line.  He called to ask if he could bring me anything, coffee, sugar, anything, because it's almost 2 am and I am still at work.  "Just go to bed," I say, "I don't need anything."  He hesitates.  "But I feel guilty sleeping while you're still working."  "You shouldn't," I reply before adding "and you should start getting used to this - this is my life."

I will admit that sometimes I indulge in the maxim of "misery loves company".   It's comforting at times to know that I am not alone in being miserable, that there's another being who might be able to commiserate with my solemn mood.  Yet, somehow, when it comes to late nights at the office, I never wish this on anyone.  I never find any solace in knowing that there are others like me, all of us sitting in our uncomfortable chairs, staring at our bright monitors.  In truth, I feel terribly sad for us all.  I wish I were the only one subject to this life. 

So I wonder why I do it.  What drives me.  What motivates me.  It's not the money -- that just provides stability, not the motivation to remain perpetually sleep-deprived.  As I ponder, I draw a blank.  And as I continue to draw a blank, I notice that with every passing second, my being unable to answer this seemingly basic question infuriates and incenses me.  This isn't a difficult question.  If I can't answer it, then why do I do it?  And then it dawns on me that I am bitter because I believe that the practice of law can be better, that I can do better, make it better.  I suppose that I am simply fighting for the chance to prove this to myself.

Since there's only one way to go from here - up - I'll see y'all at the top.  I'm not sure what I'll find when I get there, or what I might be sitting atop once I'm actually there, but I'll be damned if I don't at least get the opportunity to say that I've been there, done that.