call of duty.

Lately I have been playing a lot of Call of Duty - Black Ops with the mister.  I honestly have never been a video game person, having played maybe a few games of that helicopter-shooting game (y'all know what I'm talking about?) waaaaaaay back in the day.   But he kept asking me to give it a try and I finally agreed in order for us to spend time together doing an activity he enjoys.   I'm still a newbie and not very good, but I'm a lot better than I thought I'd be!  And it's also a lot more fun than I thought it would be.

On occasion I will sit next to him and just watch him play.  I notice how calm he remains, how his remote control stays in one spot in his hands, the way his fingers nimbly maneuver the keys, how he barely makes any noise unless he makes a mistake.  I, on the other hand, am a raging hot mess.  My body, hands, head, arms -- everything -- moves in relation to where I want my avatar to move, my fingers jab jab jab unrelentingly at the buttons in a crazy manner when I'm stuck in a difficult spot, and I shamefully squeal and scream whenever zombies attack me unexpectedly.  Sometimes I will also play with his friends and him and in those moments, I am reminded of my eighteen year-old self, the one who used to date another boy who was in love with video games (StarCraft was the poison of choice back in the day).  

I remember being extremely bored back then while watching the boys play, often times waiting for hours as a spectator.  I tried to annoy my then-boyfriend in order to get him to quit playing and would do things for attention, like play sappy love songs in the background or call him lovey-dovey nicknames loudly enough to ensure that all of his pals heard, too.  I tried to embarrass him in front of his boys when he wouldn't give up his games for me.  It was always a battle back then for his time and I always wanted him to choose me above everything else.  Which meant that we frequently argued because he only sometimes chose me.  It's a good thing that almost a decade has  passed since then.


For one -- the ex never once offered to teach me how to play while the mister was the one who implored me to give COD a try, continually trying to convince me to give it a go even when I snobbishly told him that I'd prefer to read books and get smarter in my spare time than shoot virtual people.  For another --  today I am perfectly accepting of the mister having interests that I do not share.  Even when I feel ignored, I'm fully confident that if I simply ask for his time instead of making a childish commotion, in ten minutes there will be Letters to Juliet playing in the background as we bake brownies together.  I finally trust that making me happy makes him happy.  


So, COD ain't so bad.  Besides, it's kind of sexy when I die and the mister has to come revive me, blasting his way all the way to me, expertly navigating the obstacles in order to save me before it's too late.  I've always wanted a man who knows how to resuscitate me, and even if for now it's only virtually, I'm sure if I ever needed it in real life - he'd still always show up just in time.

a perfect night at home.

Would be spent like this:



. . . plus the mister and some dessert.

happy [belated] birthday to me.

A year ago, I was on a plane heading back from my sister's wedding in the Caribbeans and I wrote the following about my goal to understand myself a little more thoroughly:

"Why?  Well, too many reasons to count, but if I had to distill it down to just one - it would be the age-old purpose (problem?) of finding one's self.  I am not suffering from a crisis.  I am not depressed.  I am not looking for any major revelations.  I am just, however, curious as to how this girl I see every morning has come to be.  I do not think I have paid her enough attention over the years.  I think I owe her a bit more of my time, of my understanding."

Overall, I think 2010 was a rousing success, at least in that department, although not quite as much in other aspects of my life.  I'm feeling better about myself, more content in who I am, where I am headed, than I have felt in a long time.  I now have a stronger sense of self and it's truly a lovely feeling.  There's no drama in my life; I can't remember the last time I had a moment of real self-loathing; I'm constantly grateful to be alive and am with a man who shows me how to actually live.  2010 is headed towards a fabulous close and on the horizon is an even better start to 2011. 

This birthday passed by with very little fanfare, but it was still quite great.  Best wishes and love were sent my way from my nearest and dearests.  There was a spectacular dinner and an excessive amount of desserts.  Plenty of laughs.  But best of all were the amazing conversations with the mister about life, love, and the whole affair of things.  Oh, and somewhere in there was an iPad that I'm considering keeping though right now it's not looking likely because my fingertips feel as though they've been burnt!  <3 

P.S. More exercise is needed, sigh, as I'm unlikely to sacrifice the sweeter (and decadent) things in life.  I mean -- just LOOK at that phenomenal chocolate molten lava cake!  Irresistible.

the couple vibe.

In my building sometimes I come across this young couple, and while they are complete strangers to me, each time I see them I can't help but walk a little bit slower to examine them.  For one, they are both incredibly good-looking, but what draws me to them are the feelings I get when I am near them.  They're often with their two tiny, but rambunctious, little pugs, and yet as a whole - the entire family feels so serene.  They are a peaceful, calm, couple.  Those are the feelings that emanate from them - their couple vibe, if there is such a thing.

The couple above is a stark contrast to another couple I know.  This other couple is also good-looking and they too have two rambunctious little pugs.  Yet, when I am near them, all I want to do is move further away.  As happy as they are with one another, as in love as they are, they wear me out.  Their energy is one I can only describe as hyper everything -- every feeling and emotion is amplified around them.  And I don't gravitate towards that at all.

Then I think about other couples I know.  For some of them, I think that they're just adorable together and perfect for one another.  For others, I find myself acknowledging how much they love each other.  For some, I find myself thinking that they settled, but that they're content with that choice.  For others still - I count the days until they will break-up, because they're so terribly wrong for each other but too blind, stubborn, or scared to admit it. 

Naturally, I can't help but wonder what couple vibe the mister and I give off.  What do complete strangers see, feel, when they are around us?  I suppose I could ask my friends, but I'm still trying to determine if I want to know.  It's probably a little too soon, too early for an accurate reading.

los angeles traffic.

It's 11:00 pm and I am practically parked on the 405, crawling home at the riveting speed of 2 miles per hour.  Yes, I realize that Los Angeles has a well-deserved reputation for being a bastion for traffic nightmares, and that this moment certainly is not assisting in eliminating that (admittedly accurate) perception, but somehow, I don't mind.

I don't mind because I have very intentionally and strategically structured my life to avoid having a commute.  Most days, I am not bothered by the stop-and-go, by brakes and squeals, by distressed, maniacal, and questionable drivers.  So on the few occasions where the night is calm, where I am not running late, where I have my iPod blasting my favorite jams - this traffic thing ain't so bad.  Besides, it's the perfect excuse to ignore the incessantly blinking red light that seems to beacon unremittingly from my Blackberry.  I can ignore it without feeling guilty, and that brings me much joy.

In these moments, the only thing I allow myself to do is think.  Become introspective.  Probe.  Question.  Ponder.  Stare at the sea of lights in front of me and wonder about the world, about my past choices, about my future.   And tonight I think I'm doing okay -- on my way towards where I want to be, but secretly hoping I'll never fully get there, wherever there is.

bedtime hours.

Lately I have been going to bed at atrocious hours, somewhere between 1-3 am when normally I would prefer to be knocked out cold by 12 am on a work night.  Part of that has been due to several weeks' worth of equally atrocious work demands, but mostly, I have been heading to bed so late because I've been trying to keep the mister's sleeping hours.   But trying to keep up with him has been a bad idea for many reasons.  I'm not a student; he is.  I can't function on less than 8 hours; he's fine with 5.  I don't want to age prematurely; I'm not sure that's a real concern of his.  

On the weekends where I don't have to work, the lack of sleep catches up to me and I find myself waking up in the afternoon.  While I will defend my right to sleep like a hibernating polar bear until death, the truth is, sleeping in like that only feels good for the first day or two.  Thereafter, I just feel like a bum.  On most days by the time 1 pm rolls around I will have completed what feels like a million tasks; but on my lazy days, I can't even find the desire to crawl out from underneath my blanket.  I transform from being a motivated professional to a complete sloth, and I do not enjoy those slovenly feelings at all.

It has occurred to me that somewhere, somehow, along the way I've grown out of being that hippie college student I've known (and loved) for so many years.  This surprises me.  This unnerves me.  She has been such an important part of my life; I'm not sure I like this change or if I'm ready for it.  Also disconcerting is that I'm not sure if I know how to bring her back, and even if I could, if I would.  A real quandary.

normal human being.

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being." --Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde seriously has some of my favorite quotes.  They tend to border on the pretentious, yet they still make utter sense to me.  And while at times it may not be that fun to realize that I am, indeed, a perfectly normal human being - it's perfectly fine for the mister to treat me like one.  Humans need to eat and this little human loves to chow.   He is currently away, but before he left he made sure to marinate lots of chicken drumsticks with his special marinade that I love.  Special ingredient:  pineapple juice.  Yum. 

[That fogginess is due to the steam from the freshly-cooked chicken and rice.  Delish.]

gone with the wind.

Most of us probably have heard many references to famous quotes from Gone With the Wind, but I wonder how many of us have actually watched the entire movie, and if so, watched it in its entire 4-hour glory?  Suffice to say --  the movie is quite long and epic, particularly for that time.  While I have always been aware of the powerful characters involved, the basic plotline, and the multiple love triangles, I didn't truly appreciate how thematic the movie is until I sat down and watched the entire thing.  In one sitting, no less!  (Although, admittedly, there was much gossiping + eating + playing with hair between my friend and me throughout the film.)

Sometimes I like to watch older movies for the fashion, but the costumes from the antebellum South do not interest me much with their excessive poofiness and flowery femininity, and thus, I wasn't watching this movie for Scarlett's outfits.  I was really focused on the themes about love, life, human nature, politics, marriage, growth and maturity, and a slew of other vital concepts that were weaved throughout the movie, which surprisingly are still very relevant and poignant to today's world.

What I took away from the movie:

(1)  Proud women are likely to end up unhappy and miserable.

(2)  Indulge in fantasies, but fall in love with what's tangible.

And my favorite quotes:

(1)  "What a gentleman says and what a gentleman thinks are two different things."

(2)  "You'll never mean anything but misery to any man."  (I've heard this one before, but it sounds so much worse on a screen and as part of a script.)

the DREAM act.

One thing I shy away from is a public discussion of my political views.  Goodness knows I have plenty, but this is one arena I do not feel the need to address on a public forum.  With that said, I like the last paragraph of this author's piece on her life as an undocumented immigrant and am posting it here because regardless of the subject matter, it's always lovely to read words that pull me in:

"Joan Didion once explained that someone with a plane schedule in their drawer lives according to a slightly different calendar than everyone else. Will these next seven months be the last I spend in the United States? It is November and I have already lost the ability to think in the future tense, as if my heart had anesthetized my mind in preparation for the possible disappointments of the next several months. I sleep without setting any alarm clocks. I speak faster in hopes that I might get more English words in. I kiss slower to feel more, here, longer. I’m at a road that bifurcates into continents and I am terrified because I know I might once again have to live with a decision that is not mine to make. It would hurt to be forced to leave, but it hurts to stay the way I’m staying now. I belong to this place but I also want it to belong to me."

Regardless of where one chooses to stand along the turbulent spectrum of this important issue, the soft parts of me cannot, will not, believe that any person who reads the above words could remain untouched and impervious to this specific individual's plight.  This is one reason why I love words:  they evoke compassion, empathy, and enable complete strangers to feel for one another, like an invisible bridge that is built on emotions, humanity - aspects that are more powerful and unifying than we may give them credit for.